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There once was a woman at the well, in the middle of the day, when the sun is at its highest. She chose this time of day because no one else would be around. Why do we choose to go to places when no one else is going to be there…because we are full of shame, we are afraid of being mocked, ridiculed, or even made fun of? We are hiding from those who point their fingers, who snicker behind our backs, and whisper to others about all the terrible things that we have done.
At this exact moment, Jesus chose to stop at this same well. He did not shy away from the “untouchable”. He respected her, He spoke to her, He chose HER to spread the Good News! The instant she realized that He is the Messiah she dropped her bucket (her source of life, her livelihood, her shame) and she ran as fast as she could to tell everyone about Him. She didn’t care if they persecuted her or if they gossiped behind her back for she wanted each of them to know the One who Knew her intimately.
Because of the Love this woman shared with others many people from this village came to know the Majesty of Christ. They said to her, ‘now we believe, not just because of what you said, but because we heard Him for ourselves’. It is not our job to change people’s hearts or force them to be nice to us, we just need to share with each of them our personal experiences with Jesus. I know that so many of us feel worthless, used up, like an outcast, but God desires to use us just as we are!
LoriBeth Brown, LPC
Come as You Are
There once was a woman at the well, in the middle of the day, when the sun is at its highest. She chose this time of day because no one else would be around. Why do we choose to go to places when no one else is going to be there…because we are full of shame, we are afraid of being mocked, ridiculed, or even made fun of? We are hiding from those who point their fingers, who snicker behind our backs, and whisper to others about all the terrible things that we have done.
At this exact moment, Jesus chose to stop at this same well. He did not shy away from the “untouchable”. He respected her, He spoke to her, He chose HER to spread the Good News! The instant she realized that He is the Messiah she dropped her bucket (her source of life, her livelihood, her shame) and she ran as fast as she could to tell everyone about Him. She didn’t care if they persecuted her or if they gossiped behind her back for she wanted each of them to know the One who Knew her intimately.
Because of the Love this woman shared with others many people from this village came to know the Majesty of Christ. They said to her, ‘now we believe, not just because of what you said, but because we heard Him for ourselves’. It is not our job to change people’s hearts or force them to be nice to us, we just need to share with each of them our personal experiences with Jesus. I know that so many of us feel worthless, used up, like an outcast, but God desires to use us just as we are!
LoriBeth Brown, LPC
Being Present with the Greatest Present
Jesus was a very busy man. Everywhere he went people were crying out to him for a miracle.
If you couldn't see, you reached out to Jesus. If you had leprosy, Jesus would touch you. If you couldn't walk, have your friends bring you to Jesus. Possessed by a demon? No problem. Jesus could cast them out.
As long as there was water, you could throw a party if Jesus was there. And if there was only a piece of fish or a tiny bit of bread it was enough to feed thousands of hungry people.
Jesus never stopped.
Even though He was a miracle worker Jesus never forgot His mission - to love on others. Especially little children. He knew the importance of taking time just for them. Showing them how much they meant to him. Giving them the attention they so desperately desired.
It's difficult at times being in a blending family. We lose sight of the important things, through all the back of forth of life. Jesus never lost sight of what was important. When he was in Martha's home she thought having everything clean was important. But not Mary. Just being with Jesus brought her joy.
And this is how our kids see life. They don't need to be taken to fancy places when they are with us. They don't care about living in a spot free home. They just want to be noticed. They want our undivided attention. They want unconditional love. No matter what is going on between households, they need us to sit with them, put our loving arms around them, and remind them that they are important enough for us to let go of all the other demands of life and focus on the ones who are present.
When we enjoy the privilege of having our children in our home, we need to be intentional about spending time with them. Loving on them individually, playing together as a family, and not letting the outside world and its problems interfere with our special time together.
Don't get so wrapped up blending that you forget to stop and just be together.
For more information on the picture posted above and the artist, Michael Belk, visit journeyswiththemessiah.org
LoriBeth Brown is the wife of the love of her life, and mom and second-mom to four. She has earned a BA in Psychology and MA in Counseling from Dallas Baptist University. She is currently pursuing her LPC-I and is on staff with Family [re]Design. Her dream is to continue taking in boys who need a loving home, and bring together blending families for the glory of God.
Seasons
This morning I was reminded of seasons. The changing leaves outside my window are only a physical picture of the seasons of life we all experience.
I talked to some young moms this week who are convinced that they will never get out of the toddler stage with their kids. I talked to a mom who has a high school age child who has been sentenced to drug rehab (again) for violating probation. While my Friday nights are spent cheering for my son's high school football team, she gets in her car and drives for four hours to spend a few hours visiting her high schooler on Saturday.
Our son's high school just finished their football season. With hopes of a brief extension for playoffs. Last night's game as well as another high school game that impacted our playoff chances were close scores. Would we extend our season? Would this be our last game of the season? We didn't know for sure until nearly midnight.
This morning, as I cleaned up and cleaned out after a busy football season, I realized again how seasonal life really is. We won our game last night, but the other team in another town that had to win their game for us to go to playoffs, didn't. They lost by a few points in the last couple of minutes of their game. So, time to pack up football season and focus on Thanksgiving and the upcoming holidays. Just when I get settled in a routine for this season, it’s time to pick up, clean up and change gears.
Life is kind of funny that way. Sometimes we are in a season that we want to end. Desperately. We are tired. We are struggling. Life.is.hard. The clock seems to stop. We feel as though we will never, ever get out of this time or circumstance.
Then there are the seasons when we want to stop time. Enjoy. Bask in the goodness. We don't want that season to end. Ever.
But time always marches on. And its tempo remains steadfast. Life travels forward, taking us with it. Things begin. Things end. Things change. Nothing stays exactly the same.
One thing I've learned, no matter the season. Do your best to stay in the moment.
If you are in a tough season, stay the course. What are you learning through the trial? How are you being challenged to grow through the struggle? For me, those are the times I'm reminded of the faithfulness of God. He is in charge. He has everything I need for the journey.
And when you're in a prosperous season? Celebrate! If life is good, enjoy it. Intentionally experience the joy and find ways to fully embrace the beauty of a special season of blessing.
But most of all, understand that every season changes. Nothing lasts forever.
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens ..." Ecclesiastes 3:1
About the author:
Teri is passionate about teaching, writing, and ministering to fellow sojourners. She spends her days working in ministry and her evenings and weekends being wife and mom.
Loving the One who is living your dream
I can only imagine the pain and heartache you feel at times seeing your previous husband – the one you once saw as your prince charming – happy and in love with another woman. Seeing the children you bore being raised by her. Regularly watching them leave your loving home to be brought up in another.
I understand completely that this is not the ideal situation. This was not what you had pictured when you fell in love and vowed your life to him.
The Bible tells us eighteen times to love our neighbor as ourselves. How do we do this when we look upon our 'neighbor' as the enemy? The one who 'took our place', and is living our dream? It is not an easy task – I can assure you – but it is possible. The best example to look to and follow in scripture, is the story of David and Jonathan. 1 Samuel 18, tells us that Jonathan loved David as he loved himself. And you may be thinking, big deal, they were best friends. Yet, in reality Jonathan was rightfully the next to inherit the crown. He was next in line to be king.
So, let’s take a closer look at how Jonathan, the son of the one and only King of Israel, treated the man who he knew was going to take his place as heir to the throne. “And Jonathan made a solemn pact with David, because he loved him as he loved himself. Jonathan sealed the pact by taking off his robe and giving it to David, together with his tunic, sword, bow, and belt.” (1 Samuel 18:3-4) The significance of this exchange was important. All of these items identified Jonathan as crown prince and his giving them to David was equivalent to giving up his place in the kingdom to David, a shepherd boy half his age.
In 1 Samuel 19, Saul tried to convince Jonathan to assassinate David. Yet Jonathan did just the opposite. He helped David multiple times. Jonathan said many good things about David in the presence of Saul, who hated David. I believe this is what God wants each of us to do. Especially when we feel threatened by another who has taken our place.
We are to do what Jonathan did. Resolve to speak kindly about your ex-husband's new wife. Be willing to love her in the way you wish to be loved. Choose to lift her up in front of your children. Be encouraging of her to help raise your children cohesively. Share a cup of hot chocolate next to her during your child's sports event while you both cheer them on. Do not forget that you are both on the same sideline raising up the next generation to live for Jesus by loving our neighbors as ourselves. And what better way to show our beloved children how to love others than by showing love to the one you are tempted to despise the most.
LoriBeth Brown is the wife of the love of her life, and mom and second-mom to four. She has earned a BA in Psychology and MA in Counseling from Dallas Baptist University. She is currently pursuing her LPC-I and is on staff with Family [re]Design. Her dream is to continue taking in boys who need a loving home, and bring together blending families for the glory of God.
Trying to Understand
11:30. Sunday Morning. I was sitting in my church. We were in our Life Group. The lesson talked about Thomas. You know. The doubting disciple. He had heard that a resurrected Jesus had been seen by many. Yet he couldn’t believe it without seeing it. So Jesus showed Thomas His hands. He asked Thomas to feel the scar in His side. Thomas had to see, hear and experience Jesus before he could believe that what he had heard was real.
11:30. Sunday Morning. A few hours south of where I live, there were brothers and sisters of mine gathered in a small, rural church. Probably finishing their song service and getting ready to hear the message God had for them that day. But instead of a sermon, they encountered the very heart of evil.
While I was still walking by faith in the unseen, they were walking by sight. Many of them stepped out of an earthly worship service into a heavenly one. What I simply read about, they were experiencing. They were meeting Jesus, face-to-face.
As a parent, I know well the struggle we have in trying to help our children understand things like Sutherland Springs. Whether 911 or Sandy Hook or Columbine, I’ve been confronted with helping my own children process tragedy. There is never an easy way to introduce our innocent children to the horrors of a world wrapped in sin and infected by the evil one. So, as you process your own thoughts and beliefs over such tragedy, here are some considerations as you try to help your children.
Be honest with your children. While you can curb your news-viewing while they are around, all of our kids, from preschool to high school will be exposed to the events in our society. Whether it’s a Vegas concert or a small church worship service, our kids may not know details, but they know something terrible and very frightening has happened. When they ask questions, I’ve always found it better to be honest. They feel things they can’t always express. They absorb our reactions even when we try to hide them. They sense our own fear and horror at these events. While they don’t need to know everything, they need to have their questions answered honestly.
However, keep responses age-appropriate. Older children and teens need an outlet to process much more of the event than small children. Older children have the capacity to discuss and process evil and its impact and origin. Younger children need to know that there are bad people who sometimes do bad things, but that you are there to keep them safe. Don’t discount their fear. Rather, comfort their fear with reassurance. Teaching them the power of prayer to bring comfort and God’s presence is a great tool to help them overcome their own anxiety.
Affirm their desire to do something to help. Sometimes, we feel a level of control over tragedy when we can do something to help. If your children indicate an interest in doing something to help, do what you can to guide and encourage their desire. Maybe it is to write notes or draw pictures to send those who are hurting. It might be doing extra chores around the house to earn some money to send to victims through community-established donation outlets. Whatever they voice a desire to do, affirm their desire to help and do what you can to make it happen.
There are no explanations. There are no answers. But there is hope. There is comfort. There is courage in the face of fear.
Jesus said it best. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
About the author:
Teri is passionate about teaching, writing, and ministering to fellow sojourners. She spends her days working in ministry and her evenings and weekends being wife and mom.
Welcome to the Holidays
"It's beginning to look a lot like ..."
Okay. I’ll admit. I’ve been watching Hallmark Christmas movies since July. And since Halloween is officially over, I can stop hiding that fact!
I know some of you get a coronary when I repeat what I just saw on Facebook. “Only 54 days til Christmas.” I’d already seen the post LAST WEEK that we only have nine more Fridays before Christmas.
And as much as I love the whole holiday season, I started thinking about the next 54 days. What is it about this time of year? It is “the most wonderful time of the year” for some. For others? To quote one of my favorite Hallmark Christmas movies, “I just can’t wait for Christmas to be over.”
I don’t know which camp you’re in this year. Or if you find yourself trapped somewhere in the middle.
And I’m not sure what about the holiday’s causes people to feel the way they do.
It’s funny. You ask people how they feel about the upcoming July 4th, and you’re likely to get fairly tepid responses. I don’t notice my neighbors putting up red, white and blue lights and donning their yard with American flags in April in anticipation. And I don’t find Fourth of July movies on Hallmark in the middle of winter just to get us excited about it.
But there’s something about the coming holidays that seems to really touch people.
For me, I approach the coming season with mixed emotions. My first husband got sick over the Christmas holidays. Two years later, he died shortly after in January. Since then, I’ve had mixed memories. Some of my sweetest, most precious memories of our family were over the holidays. And some of the most painful, knowing that Christmas would be our last as a family.
I don’t know how you respond to the holidays. As a blending family, you probably have mixed feelings as well. Grateful for the new family. Excited to create new memories and establish new traditions. Sadness about what once was, but will never be again. Watching your children torn between two households. Maybe wishing things could be different.
In approaching this season, I always have to remind myself that although I love watching those Christmas flicks, my life isn’t one. I can’t expect my holiday to be movie-perfect. I have to be willing to embrace and choose to enjoy the journey I’ve been given. To look up for hope, look around in gratitude and look within to find the true meaning of the season.
May you approach the coming season with joy, anticipation and renewed hope because you are blessed.
About the author:
Teri is passionate about teaching, writing, and ministering to fellow sojourners. She spends her days working in ministry and her evenings and weekends being wife and mom.
Thoughts on Halloween
I must admit over the years, my Halloween-pendulum has covered a wide swath. I’ve never liked the holiday, but for the sake of the kids, I’ve let them celebrate.
In the early days, I enjoyed making costumes for my toddlers and taking them to friends and family to gather candy and treats. Then somewhere along the way, there was a move away from celebrating anything “scary” and churches sponsored fall festivals where kids were encouraged to dress up as a favorite book or movie character.
Our family even went through a season where we didn’t do any of those things, but chose Halloween as a time to celebrate the harvest and do something for others. Each of our four children chose something to make, and we put together harvest baskets to deliver to some of the special senior adults in our life.
As I drove through my neighborhood this morning on my way to work, I was overwhelmed. Graveyards with skeletons emerging from the ground, inflatables of giant spiders and a dragon as tall as the house with fire in his belly dotted my neighborhood.
As parents, we sometimes find ourselves between a rock and hard place. Where is the line between living in the world, but not being of the world? When it comes to things like secular, and what some might even consider pagan celebrations, how are we as Christ-followers to respond?
Here is what I found on the origins of Halloween:
Originally called Samhain, Halloween was first practiced by Druids who were both necromancers (practice of communicating with the dead) and occultists. They believed that Samhain marked the end of the harvest, ushering in the winter season. This time was also considered a transitional season for the dead. October 31 was when “a bridge to the world of the dead was opened” and “the veil to the spirit world” was thin enough that rituals could summon the dead to return. This day also saw humans sacrificed to Satan.
In the eighth century, Pope Gregory III of the Roman Catholic Church attempted a more acceptable spin by dedicating the holiday to honor saints and martyrs. All Saints’ Day was the day following All Hollow’s Eve and incorporated some of the traditions of the original Druid celebration.
Probably more than you wanted to know, but perhaps understanding the origin and metamorphosis of the celebration will give you educated ground upon which to stand in making the decision regarding your family.
As you consider these thoughts, here are a couple of scriptures. Spend some time in prayer as you ponder God’s desire for your family.
“Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ.” Colossians 2:8
“Do not stifle the Holy Spirit. Do not scoff at prophecies, but test everything that is said. Hold on to what is good. Stay away from every kind of evil.” 1 Thessalonians 5:19-22
So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Don’t give offense to Jews or Gentiles or the church of God. I, too, try to please everyone in everything I do. I don’t just do what is best for me; I do what is best for others so that many may be saved. 1 Corinthians 10:31-33
About the author:
Teri is passionate about teaching, writing, and ministering to fellow sojourners. She spends her days working in ministry and her evenings and weekends being wife and mom.
Autumn at Family [re]Design ...
I hope everyone is enjoying cooler weather and all the fun that comes with Fall! On Friday nights, you can find our family at the football field cheering on our High School Football Team and supporting the Bronco Band at halftime. For that matter, we are at the football field on most Saturdays for High School band marching competitions as well. But I wouldn't trade a minute of the experience!
As we anticipate the upcoming holidays and all the excitement (and maybe a little stress?) that comes with the season here are a few suggestions as you begin to make your holiday plans.
Expect plans to change. We made arrangements to see all of our kids over Christmas. They are spread out over multiple states, so we decided a Christmas road trip was in order. However, we're already making changes to the plans. While I used to be the consummate planner, I chose a long time ago, to just let things ride, and expect and even celebrate the unexpected!
Make memories your family will remember with fondness. And while we will certainly make memories (whether we intend to or not) we get to choose what kind of memories we make. We have held on to very few non-negotiables over the years as our primary holiday tradition has been flexibility! I want my kids to remember holidays fondly. Not having me stressed and anxious because things don't fit my holiday "box."
Its all about fun! No matter when you celebrate or how you celebrate, remember to have fun with your family. It may not be a "Norman Rockwell" painting kind of holiday, but you are painting your own family portait. Make sure your holiday painting captures laughter and fun, no matter the circumstance.
About the author:
Teri is passionate about teaching, writing, and ministering to fellow sojourners. She spends her days working in ministry and her evenings and weekends being wife and mom.
How Busy Are You?
This time of year things seem to speed up. Fall activities, upcoming holiday activities, school, work … life just seems to get really crazy-busy.
If your life is as crazy as mine, here are few thoughts that might help.
Choose to let some things slide. I know we all probably like to think we are super-moms and can do it all. But guess what? We can’t. So decide what’s most important and let everything else go. Sometimes I need to have my house completely clean to feel good. But other times, I choose to let go of my need for clean. As long as my family can function, I don’t have to have clean-enough-to-eat-off-of floors.
Choose people over tasks. Sometimes I get a little carried away with tasks. My “to do” list. When a person gets in the way of my “to do’s,” I don’t always have a great attitude. But then, what really is important? People or tasks? Sometimes, yes, tasks do trump spending time on the phone or at the coffee shop. But most times, you can’t go wrong by setting the list aside and choosing to spend time with a friend or family member. Which leads to …
Invest in relationships. Relationships are like plants. While it would be great to just stick a seed in any old dirt and come up with a beautiful plant, the reality is, to get a really great harvest, you have to invest in the process. You have to prepare the soil. Plant the seed. Keep out the weeds. Feed and water. It takes investment. It takes time. It takes intentionality. I think we sometimes forget that relationships require the same kind of investment. We have to spend time and energy in order to get the harvest of a great relationship.
And that includes your relationships with God. It isn’t a one-and-done. He wants you to spend time with Him. Not weekly, but daily. And often throughout the day as well. I recently saw an acronym for BUSY that really convicted me. Being Under Satan’s Yoke.
I had to take a minute to consider that one. Am I so busy with good things, that I’m missing out on what God really has for me? That’s a good question for all of us.
“There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens …”Ecclesiastes 3:1
About the author:
Teri is passionate about teaching, writing, and ministering to fellow sojourners. She spends her days working in ministry and her evenings and weekends being wife and mom.
Managing Summer
School's out and summer's here! For those of us who are step-parents with children from multiple households, perhaps our relief at a slower schedule is overshadowed by the impending stress of a summer filled with children being shuffled between households.
I encourage you to be intentional this summer as your clan moves from place to place. Make the most of the times you have with different configurations of your family.
Remember that the transition time between households is stressful for your children, no matter how smooth and amicable the adult relationships are. Slow down and provide time for children to adjust between homes. Stay calm. Provide some down time. Try not to schedule activities until children have had time to adjust.
Then, when they are ready, celebrate their re-entry into your home! Cook their favorite meal and invite them to help out in the kitchen. Plan a family movie night complete with popcorn and their favorite candy. Spread out in your family room or media room and have an indoor family camp out, complete with s'mores and hot dogs. Anything that will provide time and space for your family to reconnect.
In case you need some ideas and encouragement, I'm providing a link to FamilyLife Blended, the folks who brought us the Blended & Blessed conference. You will find videos, blogs and resources all designed to help blending families.
About the author:
Teri is passionate about teaching, writing, and ministering to fellow sojourners. She spends her days working in ministry and her evenings and weekends being wife and mom.
When God Interrupts ...
I just got into the office after morning Bible study at church. Acts 9-12 struck me with a couple of profound truths.
No matter where we have been or what we have done, God has a plan for us. He wants to redeem us, call us and use us for His Kingdom purpose. Read Acts 9:1-31.
Don't be surprised when God interrupts your journey. While we are walking along our own path, He shines a light from heaven, speaks to us in an unmistakable voice and calls us to be different.
God will go to any length to get us off the wrong path and onto the right one. He struck Paul blind. He had to be led around by others. He also couldn't see the future to know that his sight would be restored in three days. Sometimes God uses a major event to stop us in our tracks.
God is always at work in more than one place. In Acts 10:1-48, and Acts 9:8-19, we see God at work in multiple locations. While Paul was sitting in Damascus, blinded, God was talking to Ananias about healing a blind man that would come to him. While Peter ponders his vision of the sheet of unclean animals he is to kill and eat, Cornelius, a Gentile, has a vision about Peter coming to his house to share the truth of Jesus. Sometimes when we don't understand what God is doing or allowing, He is at work elsewhere preparing other puzzle pieces. Just like Ananias and Paul, and Cornelius and Peter, once the pieces are all assembled, we can stand in awe of God's masterpiece.
Many times, God asks us to do something we think is impossible. Imagine Ananias' fear when God told him to heal the church-hating, Christian-persecuting Paul. Ananias knew that Paul was on his way to Damascus to arrest and imprison the Christians. Imagine Peter's trepidation when God asked him to go into a home he had been taught all his life to avoid just to share Christ. God often asks us to do things outside of our comfort zone.
As you journey through this day, don't be surprised if God interrupts. Don't be surprised if He decides to turn your worst day into your best day. Don't be surprised when He uses the darkest days of your life to shine the brightest light into the lives of others.
Hope you enjoy this song by Babbie Mason.
About the author:
Teri is passionate about teaching, writing, and ministering to fellow sojourners. She spends her days working in ministry and her evenings and weekends being wife and mom.
Having A "Be There" Marriage
About the author:
Teri is passionate about teaching, writing, and ministering to fellow sojourners. She spends her days working in ministry and her evenings and weekends being wife and mom.
20 Years
20 years. The time it takes a baby to become an adult. The time its been since the Dallas Cowboys won a Super Bowl. The time required for a White Oak Tree to reach maturity.
20 years. Seems an eternity when we’re kids, but flies like crazy when we're adults.
20 years ago today, my life changed forever. I buried my husband.
So many memories ... the brisk outside air; the faces of hundreds of people who came to pay their final respects; the anguish in my children’s eyes; the finality when the casket was closed for the last time. Placing his wedding ring on the ring finger of my right hand.
While so many things about that day seem to have frozen in time, many other things have changed so much. Kids have grown up. I’ve grown older. Life has moved on.
Today is a strange day for me. An odd mix of memories. While I buried him 20 years ago, I married him 35 years ago. Today.
I also remember a family who came into the Kingdom the day I buried my husband. They were re-born that day. I feel amazingly connected to that family because I was reminded of the circle of eternal life. As Kris was experiencing the actual presence of God that day, they were sealed with the promise of their Kingdom-entrance some day.
I listened to a sermon this afternoon on my way home from work. One of my favorite radio pastors reminded me that God is Sovereign. That means He is bigger than anything I face. 20 years ago. Or right now.
Here’s a quote: “Remember that nothing comes into your life that isn’t either allowed by God or decreed by God.” Chip Ingram
I don’t know what you’re walking through today. But be encouraged. Your journey is in the Hands of a loving, gracious, Almighty God Who desires to do a work in you and through you.
20 years. For me? I’ve learned that these light and momentary struggles are only perfecting the faith that Jesus authored in me. He is transforming my mourning to dancing. He is exchanging beauty for ashes. He is allowing me to experience God's blessed hope in the midst of despair.
“And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28.
Read it slowly. Meditate on its truth. Bask in its promise.
About the author:
Teri is passionate about teaching, writing, and ministering to fellow sojourners. She spends her days working in ministry and her evenings and weekends being wife and mom.
A Winter Marriage
I'm wondering what it would be like to be one of those families in the northeast. I've watched the news reports showing the snow piled up over the doors and windows of homes. I've heard the reports that even though people and snow plows are trying to clear the snow away, there is so much snow, they don't know where to put it. Here in the south, we've had a few snows in the past, and although getting out on the roads is not something I choose to do, I can at least look out my windows and step outside my back door for some fresh air. I can't imagine being trapped in a tomb of snow.
I wonder how many people feel as though they are trapped in a winter marriage? Has the pain and anger begun to cover the windows? Have negative communication patterns trapped couples inside with no chance of opening the door and letting in some fresh air? Do they long for spring to come bringing renewal and refreshing from the cold, dreary winter?
You don't have to be in a blending family to experience a winter marriage. But, blending families provide so many more opportunities. There are stepchildren and ex-spouses. There may be pain and unforgiveness from a previous marriage that is setting the tone in the new family. Negative communication patterns may be imported from a previous relationship.
The problem with the snow in the northeast right now is that the temperature isn't rising enough to melt the snow. And a continual line of storms continue to drop more snow. The future looks bleak. There is little hope for change in the immediate future.
So what about your winter marriage? Is it so cold that the chances of melting the snow is next to impossible? Has the snow continued to fall, building a frozen fortress around your house that prevents anyone from getting out in the fresh air?
While the northeast is at the mercy of the weather patterns, your marriage isn't. You are the one who holds the forecast for your marriage. What can you do to hasten the arrival of a springtime marriage? Here are four suggestions.
1. Let your frigid tone with your spouse begin to melt. Warm up your words and let the cold bite of your speech thaw. Listen to how you speak to your spouse. Do your words affirm and warm their heart or are your words frozen icicles bringing a chill? Are your words gentle and tender, or harsh and angry? Listen to how you sound.
2. Take a moment to warm them with a hug. Stop where you are and put your arms around your mate bringing warmth to them. It is amazing how quickly touch can begin to thaw even the coldest of days.
3. Take the chill out of the air of your marriage by doing something today to serve your mate. "Steal" your husband's car while he's at work and surprise him with a clean car after work. Clear the dishes for your wife. Bring a hot cup of coffee to your mate first thing in the morning.
4. Create a burst of heat by surprising your mate with something they love. Cook your husbands favorite dinner. Stop off on the way home from work and pick up flowers for your wife, "just because." Send a text just to let your spouse know you are thinking about them during your busy day.
Every marriage needs a boost every now and then. The longer you let the snow pile up, the harder it is to clear away and melt. When you notice the accumulation beginning, take the time to sweep it away. Don't let the low temperatures and continual snowfall from the relentless storms block you in. Let the sunshine bring warmth as you clear away the snow.
"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Ephesians 5:33
About the author:
Teri is passionate about teaching, writing, and ministering to fellow sojourners. She spends her days working in ministry and her evenings and weekends being wife and mom.
Are you a Prisoner of your Past?
Everyone has a past. In fact, some of us have more of a past than others. Some of our past was just given to us. We had absolutely no control over the who, where, and what of some of our past. You didn't choose your family of origin. You didn't choose where you grew up. You didn't choose the things that happened to you.
And then there are those pieces of our past that we did choose. Some were good choices, some still bring a sting of regret. And the truth of the past is that once it is written, it can never be erased. There is no delete or backspace key that allows us to go back and change anything.
Probably one of the most difficult things about our past is that who we are today is a result of our past. We have established patterns, habits, responses, expectations based on what we have come to understand as truth through our past experiences. Some of those experiences helped build strong character that empowers us. Other experiences lurk in the dark corners of our minds where we've tried to bury them. At times, these memories suddenly jump into our consciousness, our actions and our patterns of reaction.
Although none of us chose some of the things in our past, and many more of us have deep regret for the things we did choose, there comes a point where being the victim is crippling our present. I can't go back and change anything in the past. However, I can choose for today how I'm going to respond. Will I allow those past experiences to be stumbling blocks to my present, or will I choose to use those past experiences as stepping stones toward growth?
How do you prevent your past from imprisoning you in the present?
The only answer I have for how to actually live this out is found in God's Word. I believe that the truths of the Bible can be summed up in one word ... redemption. Not only is God's Word a narrative that points both forward and backward to the eternal redemption through the cross of Christ, but I believe it also speaks to the ongoing redemption of man. God doesn't leave those who choose Him to remain as they are. He takes the sum total of their life, where they are when they encounter Him, and begins to do a great work of redemption. Some of the most difficult experiences of life, become the greatest opportunities for growth and a deeper relationship with Christ. And the beauty of the story is, that God didn't just do that for folks who lived in Bible times. He has done His redemptive work throughout ALL time, including today. In your life. He has the power to redeem your past mistakes. He has the desire to redeem your painful circumstances. He has the love to redeem you.
So what will you do with your past? Allow it to cripple your present and dim your future? Or will you allow God to use it to grow you and encourage you and make you into a stronger person?
You are where you are. And God has a plan for where you are. Today. Not yesterday, but today. So what does God want for you in your new marriage and family? His plan is redemption. He wants to take what was broken, whether through death or divorce and redeem it. He wants to help you build a new family. Give Him a chance. Give Him your family. Give Him your marriage. Allow Him to redeem your past and give you a fresh new future.
I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord." Psalm 40:1-3
About the author:
Teri is passionate about teaching, writing, and ministering to fellow sojourners. She spends her days working in ministry and her evenings and weekends being wife and mom.
Looking Back
Sometimes, when I think of our family, I have a hard time remembering some things. There are sort of blank spots in my memory. However, other moments are forever etched in my mind. Running to the emergency room during Sunday morning worship rehearsal to get stitches for our two-year-old (he decided the church aisle was a running track, only he wasn't wearing running shoes, hence the stitches) to return just in time to sit down at the piano and resume the worship service. With a child in my arms. I must admit to playing piano in worship more than once wearing a child like an apron. Anyway, memories. A fight between our two middle children shortly after we became a family, resulting in a walk through the neighborhood with dad, that actually ended in a run from the snake that crossed their path. I love it when God sends something so unexpected to turn our anger into laughter. I remember summer days in the pool, washing an endless pile of beach towels, and mopping up wet footprints daily. I never thought those would be fond memories, but they sure are now. I remember night after night, processing from room to room, each child tucked safely in their bed, and praying with them, kissing them and turning out the light. I remember assigning a laundry day for each child. This became a necessity after trying to sort the socks from four kids within a ten-year-age-span. I learned quickly that separating laundry by child instead of by color was the easiest way to go.
I remember soccer games, t-ball games, dance recitals, football games, band concerts, church programs, school programs, visits to the principal's office. I remember broken hearts and bad grades. I remember graduations and homecomings and proms. I remember college orientations. Lots of them. I remember first days of school, and last first days of elementary. I vividly remember the first days of senior year. I cried buckets every time. Honestly, it was worse than the first day of kindergarten. But I didn't know any better, so I cried bucketfuls then, too.
I remember Mother's Days with more cards and gifts crafted by precious little hands than I can count.
I remember children who came to know Jesus as their Savior. On the pew at church. In the car at a gas station. In bed after saying prayers. Sitting on the living room sofa. Outside, laying in the hammock. All Holy Ground to this mom.
I guess I'm a little nostalgic lately because I've been going through old photographs. You see, the one that took us to the ball games and band concerts and church programs and graduation and orientation and prom and homecoming, and yes, the principal's office ... the one whose Holy Ground is the car at the gas station, is getting married in two weeks. The kids wanted a few photographs of their growing up and families to display at the reception. I must admit to shedding more than a few tears as I've wandered down the lane of memories. I remember vividly when some of the photos were taken. There is one of my boys with their cousins playing together at the church. They are wearing suits and Sunday dresses. It was the lunch provided after their dad's funeral. There is a photo of the boys eating snow cones at the zoo. Our new family was a month old and it was the first time that just my boys and I had an outing together. Then there is the picture of the kids at the top of reunion tower. It was Christmas Eve (our first one together) and we had to postpone a ski trip because of the chicken pox. Our daughter brought them home from school the week before Christmas break, so our youngest was a textbook case and broke out exactly 14 days later. We found her first "pox" on Christmas Eve, at Reunion Tower.
While there is such a mixture of sweet memories and bittersweet memories, one thing is certain. God's love has bound us together. And the past is there as a reminder that God is always at work, always doing His work in our lives. While some of the past is painful and filled with regret, most of the photos remind me of the joy and laughter we shared. I'm reminded of fusses that ended in hugs and forgiveness. I'm reminded of how the people I've shared the past with have loved and shown compassion and care for others.
One of my favorite envelope of photographs had nothing to do with the event or even the skill of the photographer. They were simply pictures we took one Easter. No one was happy about having to dress up in "Easter clothes." That I remember. And the photo was taken at a time when our blending family was not easy. But what I saw in those pictures, the posed and the candid, were kids who had walked through deep pain and loss. But I saw kids who were resilient. They were thriving and growing and experiencing life in its fullness. The joy and difficulty. But mostly, I could see how they cared for each other. Even when they didn't like each other. They had learned to love each other.
In those photos, I saw a family. Not a broken family. Not a blending family. Not a step-family. I just saw a family. People who shared the good, bad, and ugly of life, together.
I am really bad about focusing on the "what we did wrongs" of our blending family. My selective memory tends to leave me filled with hallow regrets. But, my journey through the photos helped me remember the good things. The moments of fun and laughter we shared as a family. Vacations and events. Times spent together around the holiday table. Afternoon carpool and getting kids to and from activities. "Wearing" our new baby in the Snugli to two football games every week. Dinners at the table and dinners in the car. Swimming and playing and New Year's Eve events with our own little "youth group." The times we actually did things right.
I know it's easy to get discouraged looking back. The "what if's" and "if only's" can paralyze our today. But let God sift your memories. Remember the hard times only as a way to ponder what you've learned. Remember the hard times so you can be ever so grateful for the good times. And remember the good times. They are a blessing from the Lord. So is your family.
So, wherever you are today in the midst of your blending family, stop and express gratitude for the people who are sharing your life. Thank God that He has put you together as a family. And let today be a day of rejoicing WITH your family. I know its not perfect. It will likely never be perfect. But rejoice in it anyway. I have a picture by my back door. It says, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass ... it's about learning to dance in the rain." Maybe today you need to pretend to be Gene Kelly and just do a little dancing and singing in the rain.
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again. Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7
About the author:
Teri is passionate about teaching, writing, and ministering to fellow sojourners. She spends her days working in ministry and her evenings and weekends being wife and mom.
3 Clues for Positive Communication
The discussion has begun and already you feel your pulse increasing and the red glow coming into your face. Why do the discussions always turn into a knock-down, drag-out fight? Discussing difficult topics always seems to bring high emotion. But often, with high emotion comes a flood of irrational thinking and uncontrolled words. Here are three clues to developing positive communication.
1. Use "I" statements. Stop before you speak and realize that the goal of the discussion is not to win. This is not a competition, it is a conversation. The goal of the conversation is to reach a positive outcome for everyone involved. When you begin to use "you" statements, you are firing arrows at your mate. Your words become accusations and your mate feels the need to defend against the WMD's. (weapons of mass destruction). When you use "I" statements, you take the first step in diffusing the battle. Here's how it works. Say, "When you (attach a specific action), I feel (attach a specific feeling)." You are helping your spouse understand how their actions impact your feelings.
2. See your mate through the lens of their life's experiences. Face it. We are all a product of our past experiences. From family of origin to previous relationships, we tend to view the world as we've learned to view it and we respond to the world in the patterns established through our experiences ... some good, some not so good. However, if you can stop and look at your mate as a person, seeing them as a result of their own experiences, you begin to see them not as your opponent in battle but as the partner you have chosen because you love them. The word is empathy. You begin to feel what they feel.
3. Listen more than you talk. You know in your head that communication is a two-way conversation. But maybe calling it a four-way conversation would be more appropriate. There are two people talking, and the same two people are also listening. When you are having a discussion with your mate, are you really listening to them, or are you just being silent, letting them talk while you are distracted by forming your own thoughts for what you will say next?
As a child, I remember watching Charlie Brown specials for every holiday. You remember ... Charlie Brown and the Great Pumpkin ... a Charlie Brown Christmas. But one thing I remember vividly, was Charlie Brown's teacher. I don't think we ever actually saw her. But we knew she was there, and we heard her. Only we really didn't hear her. We just heard "wah-wah-wah-wah-wah." What that communicated was that she was speaking but no body really cared enough about what she was saying to even put it into understandable language. We knew there was some noise from someone's voice, but it was unintelligible because we didn't really value what was being said.
Is that how you listen when you and your mate are in a debate? Are you so focused on your own "side" and forming your responses in order to win the debate, that you stop really listening?
Let me to encourage you to listen on three different levels, the next time the two of you are having a discussion.
Listen to what they are saying. Literally. Listen to the words they are speaking. Don't analyze, just hear the words.
Listen to what they are not saying. Watch the non-verbals of your mate while you listen. Watch their face and hands. Read what they are saying, without saying it.
Listen to what they mean. This is where you can read between the lines. What are they saying about how they feel? What are they communicating about something that is troubling to them? Try to step back and be as objective as you possibly can.
I remember very early in our marriage, I had to learn that my husband did not fully trust me. This was a completely foreign concept to me, because I had never dealt with infidelity. I had never lost trust in someone who had committed to remain faithful. However, my husband had experienced the infidelity of a mate. He had not yet known me long enough to trust me fully. He didn't trust anyone fully. I had to listen to some of our early disagreements, knowing that he was having to grow into his trust for me. Once I realized that, I could listen to him differently. I was better able to listen empathetically and try to understand that he was speaking out of past experience. It wasn't so much about not trusting me as it was about not trusting, period. I had to learn to "listen between the lines" and hear the heart of my mate.
The goal of communication is not to win. It is to draw closer to each other. God can take even your disagreements and struggles as you try to communicate to build you up and strengthen your marriage.
About the author:
Teri is passionate about teaching, writing, and ministering to fellow sojourners. She spends her days working in ministry and her evenings and weekends being wife and mom.
The Marriage ... Week Two
Everyone loves a good wedding. In fact, at our house, we are getting ready for one. The first of our five children is preparing to tie the knot in just a few weeks. The "wedding" feelings are beginning. Even for the mother of the groom. You know. The excitement ... the butterflies ... the anxious thoughts. How much weight can I lose before then? And as one who has experienced two weddings personally, my mind can't help but go to week two of the marriage. Everyone is excited about the wedding no doubt. Lots of preparation goes into that weekend and day. And even the following week usually entails a good bit of planning. I know our kids had to update their passport as a part of the plans. There are usually plane reservations to make and hotel arrangements. Excursions to plan. Wardrobes to purchase for the trip.
But then, there is Week Two.
That time when, literally, the honeymoon is over and life as a married couple begins. Week two of my first marriage was spent setting up the household, along with a good bit of crying. The excitement was over, the honeymoon just a memory awaiting the development of the photos (remember those days? When we had to actually wait a week to see the pictures we had taken?), and the realization that normal life was setting in. There were jobs to go to, budgets to keep, clothes to wash and bathrooms to clean. No more eating out, and having fun, fun, fun. Just lots of grocery shopping and cooking.
Week two of my second marriage was spent surrounded by four young children desperately trying to figure out this new arrangement in which they found themselves. And the two parents were wondering just exactly what we had signed on for. While love is a many splendored thing, for the moment, it felt like just enough rope to hang ourselves with. Everything felt bigger and harder to manage than we had imagined in our pre-marital state of euphoria. Now, the honeymoon was definitely over and we were managing a blending household, four kids who were still trying to figure it all out, and new relationships all the way around. And that was before the "ex-relationship" kicked into hyper-drive.
So, can we dissect week two and take it one issue at a time? Let's start at the beginning. Yes, the kids are there, and maybe hurting and confused and trying to figure out new relationships that they may or may not be old enough to understand. However, the center of the family unit is undeniably the parents. So how do you remain a team when there is so much pulling at you?
Since conflict is inevitable, the time is now to begin to develop some positive communication skills. Believe it or not, the habits you begin to develop now, will be with you for a long time. Start now. Be proactive in building positive communication patterns.
Here are three suggestions for developing those positive patterns in the midst of a newly blending family.
1. Open, honest dialogue. Here's an idea. Sit in chairs facing each other knees-to-knees. Hold hands. Maintain eye contact. Now ... talk. When you are facing each other, touching each other and looking at each other, its harder to use angry, accusatory words. I know it sounds like silly psycho-babble, but it really does work. What could be destructive now has a chance to be rational, helpful and encouraging.
Its also a good idea to set a time for the discussion. And by that, I mean two things. In the early days, it may be a good idea to "schedule" a regular time to touch base. Don't wait until things are so out of control that you just want to scream and throw things at each other (including angry words that you will someday regret). Choose a time when both of you are semi-rested and able to have a rational, uninterrupted conversation and both are able to stay awake. Secondly, set an ending time. Don't let the discussion go on for hours. And why not pre-plan something fun to do together after your discussion? This will give you something to look forward to, and will end a potentially difficult dialogue on a positive note.
I know you think this all sounds ridiculous and impossible. But trust me. If you can bite the bullet and just try it, I think you will be pleasantly surprised.
2. Date weekly. I know what you're thinking. That is impossible. After all, there are babysitters and reservations and time away. But if you make it a priority, your marriage will be so much better for it. Ideally, newlyweds have months or years to just focus on each other before the introduction of children. However the two of you have an instant family and must figure out how to build intimacy in front of an audience. You will have to be creative. Remember that dates don't always have to cost money. One of our favorite spots was a local park with acres and acres of picnic spots. We could find solitude and fun all for free. A fast-food picnic, a football and a blanket was great when going to a nice restaurant just wasn't in the budget. And if your kids have visitation with an ex, take advantage of that time to spend together doing something fun instead of catching up on work at the office.
3. Pray together daily. I've never understood why it is so difficult to pray with the person who you have chosen to share your life with. I have talked to so many couples who say that praying together is just too hard. And actually I do understand. The power and encouragement we need in order to have a healthy marriage is found in prayer ... especially praying together. The enemy knows that. I think he comes up with great schemes to keep us from the power released when praying together. But just do it. It doesn't have to be long and flowery. Just talk to God together. I promise. This one thing will transform your marriage.
"They all met together and were constantly united in prayer ..." Acts 1:14
About the author:
Teri is passionate about teaching, writing, and ministering to fellow sojourners. She spends her days working in ministry and her evenings and weekends being wife and mom.
New Math
Blending a family is like trying to learn the "new math." I remember when my kids first came home with math homework that I couldn't help them with because, "Mom, we do it different than in the olden days." What looked like the same old long division I learned back when dinosaurs roamed the earth, turned out to be some new, complex, uber-modern, new-way to figure out what 394 divided by 5 actually is. While my old-timey method brought the right answer, I learned that, in addition to a "new way" to get the answer, the answer no longer counted. What mattered most was the process.
I always thought of math as one of those absolutes. You know, black & white. It's either right or wrong. But I soon learned that, like many other things in our society, mathematics was becoming subjective. What mattered most was that you followed the process, and if you didn't come up with the exact right answer, that was okay, because you used the method you were taught, and came up with something close. I never knew that close worked in math. Certainly a new way of thinking for me. Incidentally, I've tried using the "new math" concept at the bank a few times, and obviously they are old too, because they still go by the old-timey rules where the answer matters most. Go figure.
When I became a part of a blending family, I sort of felt the same way. New math. A different process. The "right answer" seemed elusive. In a matter of a few short years, my family equation looked liked this:
4 - 1 + (4 - 1 ) = 6
Then a few years later it became:
4 - 1 + (4 - 1) + 1 = 7
I have to admit, in the early days, I sometimes had to stop and actually think when getting plates out of the cabinet. Now, how many places do I set?
Which brings me to the dinner table. I don't know how it happens, but it seems in normal families (see earlier blog), people just sort of migrate to "their spot" at the table. I don't ever remember having to assign anything. Everyone just found a place and all was good. And that was their place. Of course, with just the four of us that was easy, because every parent was next to a child and every child was next to a parent, and mom and dad could even sit next to each other and not upset the geometric balance.
When my husband died, there was a time when the boys and I STOPPED eating at the table. I call it the Empty Chair Syndrome. I'm sure it must be diagnosable, and included in the most recent edition of the DSM. For some reason, we could not bring ourselves to sit down to eat and face that awful empty chair. So, we started eating out. Or sitting on the sofa and using TV trays. Or making a pallet on the floor in the living room and having a picnic. Even eating in the minivan (yep, I was one of those moms) was preferable to eating with the empty chair.
But, I digress. Just about the time we were getting used to being the three musketeers, things changed. And its not like there was an accident or something. We chose the change. Rather I chose the change. I said yes to another family of four, minus one equals three.
So, on day nine of my marriage, there were three new people who had moved into our home, and two of them were in sleeping bags on the floor next to my bed plus the other two who already lived in the house, who wanted to sleep there as well. As I lay in the darkness, pondering what, exactly, I had done, a wave of panic swept over me. These people are not leaving.
And the crisis at the dinner table only intensified. No one wanted to fill the empty chair. Everyone wanted to sit by a parent. The problem? The parents were out-numbered. No matter what kind of "new math" geometric principles we applied, there were just not enough sides to the parents to go around. The delicate balance that I had so taken for granted those years ago, became impossible. There were arguments and tears. There were angry words of hurt. There was a feeling of despair. No matter how hard I tried, this was one math problem I could not master.
I know you'd love to have answer for this. And I'd love to give you one. But honestly, I don't know what it is. While time certainly helped, there were still times when the dinner table became a battleground and tears were the order of the day. You and your spouse are only two ... or one, depending on your theology.
But here's my nickel's worth of advice ... and you may even want some change back. The advice? Just Talk. Talk to each other and talk to the kids. Be honest and allow open conversation. Model what it means to share your feelings honestly yet gently, with grace. Pray together. Pray around the table and do more than thank God for the food. Ask Him, in front of the kids, to help your family learn how to live together and work together as a team. Pray for the relationships that struggle. Go ahead and just pray it out loud. Everyone already knows who-rubs-who the wrong way. Saying the words doesn't do anything but relieve everyone from having to pretend that conflict doesn't exist. Open, honest dialogue may just be one part of the equation of this "new math" problem.
Your new family is developing patterns. Just like your former family developed patterns. What kind of patterns of communication are you developing? But, that's a topic for a later entry.
Finally, the best advice I can think of right now? Laugh together. Not at each other, but with each other. Give everyone the freedom and the opportunity to release the frustration they have through laughter. And Mom and Dad ... you set the tone. Choose to laugh together even when you would much rather cry.
A cheerful disposition is good for your health; gloom and doom leave you bone-tired. Proverbs 17:22 (The Message).
About the author:
Teri is passionate about teaching, writing, and ministering to fellow sojourners. She spends her days working in ministry and her evenings and weekends being wife and mom.